Copyright © 2010 by Eric Kaufman
Some of the best
wall mold for your money!
by Eric Kaufman
...can be found in
Taiwan where the climate is ideal for its cultivation. Unlike other
gooey mold, wall mold is like sculpture. It expands onto itself
resulting in stony globs that are dry and strong. It’s like
Taiwan’s own special breed of weed. You can grow it anywhere with
the slightest effort. You may not have space for a garden where you
live, but that’s no problem. Wall mold is like garden 2.0 for the
new forward thinking, space saving horticulturalist. Think about the
Chia Pet possibilities! Hold on a sec, let me jot that down. Okay,
got it. Don’t steal my idea.
Just think, you
don’t need to provide anything but the little sheep statue. That’s
all you need – no seeds, sprouts, soil paste. Our natural climate
handles all of that. What should the sheep be made from? Cinder block
seems to be the best host from my observation. I know this because
the walls of my apartment are constructed from cinder blocks and I
have lots of wall mold. Paper thin sheet metal painted white has been
glued to the interior. The wall mold pays no mind to that. Taipei
wall mold has determination. I respect that.
We’ll carve little
sheep out of cinder blocks. Does anyone know how to do that? We’ll
find someone. Once we have our little sheep ready, we’ll simply set
them in the corners of every room. Oh, it won’t take long! Before
our eyes we’ll enjoy the visual elegance of nature’s magic. I
predict that in no time, my small flock of coatless stone sheep will
transform into futuristic sheep warriors with snaggling spiky fur
armor! Each will be one of a kind, and a work of art to ponder
philosophically. I’ll be able to open my apartment as an art museum
to the public. That’s it, I’m getting started tomorrow!
Week 1
I found two cinder
blocks propping up a potted plant at the top of the stairwell. After
appropriating one and throwing it down a flight, I ended up with five
sheep-like chunks. These will serve as test samples. They are now in
position in various locations.
Week 2
No changes to the
sheep so far, but we’re just getting started here. Let’s give
them time. Meanwhile, I’ll take a look around and inventory other
wall mold in the house already in progress. There is a particularly
nice spot in the bathroom that I’ve been keeping my eye on. It runs
from ceiling to floor along the back wall of the shower in the
corner, and has been pushing wall tiles off onto the ground. Wall
mold is fierce! It busts through tile. Impressive.
Week 3
The sheep are still
in position, awaiting first signs of mold. There is a mold spot in
the bedroom between the wall and the metal lining. At first it went
unnoticed, but I’m onto it now. Sneaky wall mold. I don’t see
you, but I see the lining being pushed farther and farther away
separating from the wall. Sometimes while I’m sleeping I hear faint
creaking and ticking noises in the wall. I thought it might be bugs
or something, but now I’m pretty sure it’s the stone mold slowly
pushing at the wall from inside. It soothes me to sleep like the
sound of wind or ocean waves on sand. I’ll put one of the sheep
next to this spot on the wall.
Week 4
My most favorite
wall mold to date is the stuff in the stairwell. When we first moved
in, there was a fresh coat of baby blue on the fourth floor. Over the
months I’ve been fascinated watching it grow and fuse with the
paint layer. It’s now pulled away from the wall like a light blue
snake skin shedding in layers. Beautiful diagonal wavy lines run from
upper left to lower right into rolling hills of stone and crust.
The sheep against
the bedroom wall is now lying on its side. I think the wall mold
knocked it over.
Week 5
My bedroom walls
feel like they’re getting closer to the bed. Maybe it’s just me.
I swept up some new tile debris in the shower. One of the sheep is
missing. What the hell? I’m starting to freak out. Was it consumed?
Something doesn’t feel right. I’m going to collect the remaining
sheep and leave. I’ll contact you when it’s safe.
