Copyright © 2010 by Eric Kaufman

Some of the best wall mold for your money!
by Eric Kaufman

...can be found in Taiwan where the climate is ideal for its cultivation. Unlike other gooey mold, wall mold is like sculpture. It expands onto itself resulting in stony globs that are dry and strong. It’s like Taiwan’s own special breed of weed. You can grow it anywhere with the slightest effort. You may not have space for a garden where you live, but that’s no problem. Wall mold is like garden 2.0 for the new forward thinking, space saving horticulturalist. Think about the Chia Pet possibilities! Hold on a sec, let me jot that down. Okay, got it. Don’t steal my idea.
Just think, you don’t need to provide anything but the little sheep statue. That’s all you need – no seeds, sprouts, soil paste. Our natural climate handles all of that. What should the sheep be made from? Cinder block seems to be the best host from my observation. I know this because the walls of my apartment are constructed from cinder blocks and I have lots of wall mold. Paper thin sheet metal painted white has been glued to the interior. The wall mold pays no mind to that. Taipei wall mold has determination. I respect that.
We’ll carve little sheep out of cinder blocks. Does anyone know how to do that? We’ll find someone. Once we have our little sheep ready, we’ll simply set them in the corners of every room. Oh, it won’t take long! Before our eyes we’ll enjoy the visual elegance of nature’s magic. I predict that in no time, my small flock of coatless stone sheep will transform into futuristic sheep warriors with snaggling spiky fur armor! Each will be one of a kind, and a work of art to ponder philosophically. I’ll be able to open my apartment as an art museum to the public. That’s it, I’m getting started tomorrow!

Week 1
I found two cinder blocks propping up a potted plant at the top of the stairwell. After appropriating one and throwing it down a flight, I ended up with five sheep-like chunks. These will serve as test samples. They are now in position in various locations.

Week 2
No changes to the sheep so far, but we’re just getting started here. Let’s give them time. Meanwhile, I’ll take a look around and inventory other wall mold in the house already in progress. There is a particularly nice spot in the bathroom that I’ve been keeping my eye on. It runs from ceiling to floor along the back wall of the shower in the corner, and has been pushing wall tiles off onto the ground. Wall mold is fierce! It busts through tile. Impressive.

Week 3
The sheep are still in position, awaiting first signs of mold. There is a mold spot in the bedroom between the wall and the metal lining. At first it went unnoticed, but I’m onto it now. Sneaky wall mold. I don’t see you, but I see the lining being pushed farther and farther away separating from the wall. Sometimes while I’m sleeping I hear faint creaking and ticking noises in the wall. I thought it might be bugs or something, but now I’m pretty sure it’s the stone mold slowly pushing at the wall from inside. It soothes me to sleep like the sound of wind or ocean waves on sand. I’ll put one of the sheep next to this spot on the wall.

Week 4
My most favorite wall mold to date is the stuff in the stairwell. When we first moved in, there was a fresh coat of baby blue on the fourth floor. Over the months I’ve been fascinated watching it grow and fuse with the paint layer. It’s now pulled away from the wall like a light blue snake skin shedding in layers. Beautiful diagonal wavy lines run from upper left to lower right into rolling hills of stone and crust.
The sheep against the bedroom wall is now lying on its side. I think the wall mold knocked it over.

Week 5
My bedroom walls feel like they’re getting closer to the bed. Maybe it’s just me. I swept up some new tile debris in the shower. One of the sheep is missing. What the hell? I’m starting to freak out. Was it consumed? Something doesn’t feel right. I’m going to collect the remaining sheep and leave. I’ll contact you when it’s safe.